How To Love Your Wife or Husband as God Intended

How Men and Women Communicate Differently in a Marriage Relationship

The Scriptures urge husbands and wives to love each other, but the Scriptures focus on different ways of accomplishing that due to gender differences.
Eph.5:25-30 Paul focuses the husband on valuing his wife as Christ values the church by caring for her and her needs.
1 Pet. 3:7 Peter focuses the husband on being considerate of his wife and her concerns
Eph.5:22-24 Paul focuses the wife on following her husband and respecting him.
Tit.2:4 Paul focuses the wife on keeping her “affections” turned toward her husband, children, and home.
“Biblical Love” (agape) = “valuing others as God values them and then sacrificing yourself for them”

How your wife can feel loved and valued by you, her husband:
1. Her purpose in relating and communicating is to sense and feel she is valued and loved by you,
A woman wants to be touched emotionally, she wants to "feel loved” by you, her husband. She wants to feel that she is the most important person in your life under the Lord. She wants to feel close to you.

Women communicate to build relationships, men communicate to share information or solve problems.
a. A wife senses and feels loved by you when
1) She senses that you want to be with her
You need to give emotional signals that you want to be with her. You should greet her and give her attention when she comes home or she comes into your presence. You should tell her you are glad to see her accompanied by a warm kiss and/or a hug. Tell her you are glad to see her.
When you go places together you should make sure that you first take into consideration any needs she may have.
2) She senses you value talking with her
Take a moment and focus your attention on her whenever she is speaking to you. Keep focusing on her for as long as she is speaking.
This is especially important because details are important to women and they want to share them with their husbands. If their husbands make the mistake of not paying attention, getting impatient with all the details, or trying to speed up the conversation, women do not feel valued. Giving you details is part of how she communicates. She is sharing her feelings in those details.
3) You should give her regular opportunities to share her concerns with you, which makes her feel close to you.
Wives want to share their concerns with their husbands on a daily basis.
a) These concerns involve issues outside her marriage that are on her mind
such as extended family, school, work, friends, and the like and the pressures and fears she feels as result of these.

b) These concerns involve issues regarding her interaction with you, her husband, your behavior toward her, household problems, and any children you might have.
A wife feels close to her husband when she is able to share with him her concerns in these areas and she feels that he is listening with a sympathetic ear.She is “bridging to you” as she unloads her concerns from her heart and mind to her husband who will help carry those concerns.

How to forgive others

Wounds can fester into infections if left untreated. That's exactly how unforgiveness works. Whatever was done to us pierced our skin, but if we keep prying it open and looking at the wound, it won't be able to heal... instead, because it is continually exposed to the dirty air, it becomes infected. That infection in the spiritual realm is welcoming to unclean spirits, which fester the wound even more. If something isn't done, the person ends up facing demonic harassment and torture, and becomes a very bitter and unhappy person.
I have an idea of what you may be saying right now, "This person has NO clue what they've done to me! They don't deserve anything at all! Much less MY forgiveness!!" They certainly don't deserve your forgiveness, much less God's... but none of us deserve what Jesus did for us either. Those who killed Jesus didn't deserve anything at all, but look at what He said just before He died, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" Look at the deep and rich mercy and love that Jesus has towards us... none of us deserve it! But He loves us for who we are, not because of what we've done. He wanted a relationship with us so much that He gave His life for it! When we grasp what Jesus has done for us, it makes it a lot easier to pass that grace along to others. We aren't letting them off God's hook, we are merely releasing our souls from bondage that un-forgiveness brings us under. You aren't forgiving them for their benefit, but for your own good! Your soul, not theirs, is what is being held in bondage because of the feelings you've allowed yourself to harbor inside. Why should you allow what they've done to continue to bring you under bondage? I wouldn't! I would let that poison out of my heart... give it to the Lord and seek Him to heal the wounds they have caused.
Forgiving others is sometimes very hard, but it is essential if you want to break out of the bondage that it's brought you under. Forgiving others opens you up for the Lord to begin healing your soul (inner healing). Since unforgiveness blocks us from receiving God's forgiveness of our sins (Matthew 6:15), it puts up a wall between us and the source of our healing.

The steep price of unforgiveness
I have seen so many people in spiritual bondage due to unforgiveness. It is a common source of bondage and demonic harassment, as Jesus warns us about in Matthew 18:23-35.
Matthew 18:34-35, "And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses."
That is nothing less than a strong literal warning that a person can fall into the hands of demonic spirits for torment and harassment if they are unforgiving and bitter inside. I have seen it again and again, it is not an uncommon scene to find a person harassed by demons because of bitterness in their heart. Bitterness is also known in the Bible as spiritual poison:
Acts 8:23, "For I perceive that thou art in the gall (poison) of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity."
Unforgiveness not only gives demons the right or ability to torment us, but it also prevents God from forgiving our own sins! Now this is serious, this means that when we cry out for God's help, but have unforgiveness in our hearts, He looks down and our sins are before Him. It puts up a wall in our relationship with our heavenly Father. Jesus was very clear that if we are to be forgiven, we cannot be unforgiving towards others:
Matthew 6:15, "But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."
Beyond this, bitterness is also a very common means for a born again believer to become spiritually defiled, that is, polluted or unclean spiritually:
Hebrews 12:15, "Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled."
Notice the word 'many' in the above verse... this is a very common means for people to become defiled and open themselves up for spiritual harassment from the enemy.
Give to God the things that belong to Him
Unforgiveness is actually taking something that belongs to God, and taking matters into our own hands. God's Word tells us clearly that we should allow God to bring His wrath upon that person, and let Him have the room to repay those who wrong us:
Romans 12:19, "Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord."
Those who have wronged us will reap what they sow. If you chose to forgive somebody, they may be off your hook, but that doesn't mean they are off God's. God's Word tells us clearly that what we sow, we shall reap:
Galatians 6:7, "Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap."
What unforgiveness actually is
Unforgiveness is actually a form of hate against another person. If a person hates somebody, it is a sign that the person is lacking love in their heart. Why? They are not firmly rooted and grounded in the love of Christ, and Christ's love is not flowing through them. As simple as that sounds, that's how it works.
What somebody may have done against us is one thing, but if you take Satan's bait of unforgiveness to heart, it will do much more harm than they did. Do you want to continue to allow their mess to trouble you even more? Have they not done enough damage? Allowing yourself to hang onto hard feelings and become bitter is only causing your wound to become even more infected spiritually. Honestly tell yourself, what good is it doing you to hold onto the hurt and bitterness that the enemy has tried to plant within you? It is doing nothing but harm, and is holding you in bondage spiritually. The only reason you are holding onto those feelings is because it feels good inside. Don't let this fool you, bitterness is known in the Bible as spiritual poison:
Acts 8:23, "For I perceive that thou art in the gall (poison) of bitterness, and in the bond of iniquity."
The reason Satan wants you to hold onto that bitterness is because it is poison to your soul. Jesus said that the devil came to steal, kill and destroy. Satan wants to do just that to you. Know wonder Satan makes unforgiveness 'feel good'... he wants your soul to be poisoned!
Don't let him do this to you... stop him dead in his tracks! Release yourself from those hurt feelings, and let them go... stop holding onto those feelings, and let that poison out of your soul!